Tom Brady, obviously.  

Christine Sinclair, obviously. 

 We can debate Lebron and Michael, but we shouldn’t. It’s Michael.  

 We can agree it’s not McDavid, it’s another guy who once played in that city. 

But who is the G.O.A.T. of the ungulate world? Easy: the one with a name that literally spells goat. 

Once upon a time, the pre-cursor to mountain goats – who actually aren’t related that closely to goats, which is weird, but moving on – and sheep wandered across the Bering Land bridge and looked for a niche in the North American landscape. 

Of course, caribou and moose enjoy a little salt with their salad too, but, I mean, caribou aren’t exactly evolution’s favourite animal right now and moose? They look kind of befuddled walking around all gangly in mosquito infested water with that weird bell dangling from their chins for reasons no one can quite figure out.  

I mean, what kind of evolutionary super power is that? 

Goats, on the other hand, have specially tailored hooves – hard on the outside, soft on the inside – which act like suction cups and enable them to climb to ridiculous heights. Like the kind of heights only the likes of Hillory and Norgay would reach. And they do it easily.  

So, while the bison and the deer and the elk and the moose are running around in the valley bottoms, evading wolves and grizzlies and cougars, the mountain goats are just enjoying the action from on high, taking in yet another beautiful sunset. I mean this stuff does generally happen at sunset. 

Which isn’t to say top predators don’t come calling in the high alpine. Wolverines are sneaky effective at finding a way to cut off heads and cougars and wolves have been known to take a run at alpine grass loving ungulates. But when they do pay a visit, guess who can’t climb? All those predators.   

Also, because goats have amongst the best memories of any animal on the planet, they know exactly what rocks to hit to quickly and safely manoeuvre their way up a rock face. Sheep can remember faces, which isn’t as helpful.  

If need be, goats can jump 12 feet! Sheep, on the other hand, can jump over water. Sort of. Again, not sure why that matters. 

And since they’ll often be found in the same area, as you know from every bad joke ever, really the goat just needs to get a little further up the proverbial mountain than the sheep, you know? 

Really, the goats have two enemies: 

Golden eagles – who will purposefully swoop and annoy the goats – namely young and cocky goats – so that they lose their balance and fall to a, um, eatable location. Sneaky eagles. 

Also? Goats themselves – namely young and cocky goats – who overvalue their evolutionary superpower and, well, fall to eatable locations for predators. 

Well, humans too, of course, who are changing the weather and might be threatening the goat’s future, depending on who you talk to, but if all things are equal, every other ungulate has a longer list of enemies.